i-zacs mind

Here we are. 6th of September. 15 days before I leave Singapore for the UK to begin my final year of my undergraduate degree. I thought it would be good to pen down my thoughts and truly reflect on the lessons that I have learned over the year.

The realisation

That one night where I realised that my lifestyle was unsustainable early in 2020 perhaps foreshadowed the ensuing storm that was about to be caused by Covid-19. The ravenous spread of the disease and the deafening echoes of silence caused by the shutdown of the nightlife industry remove a part of my life that I thought was inseparable. Where else was I supposed to blow off steam and become the person that I truly want to be in the day? For the last 8 years, this was all I knew – work incredibly hard during the week and use the addictive combination of loud sounds, dim lights and colourful potions to drown out the screams of distress.

It was early march 2020. After a night of copious booze, sweaty bodies and a torn eardrum, I returned home alone in my room and stared at the empty ceiling in a desperate attempt to figure out what that emptiness was that I felt. I didn’t have enough to drink such that I could pass out and have a terrible night of sleep but I had plenty of jagerbombs to get my heart racing and my brain rampaging to find the answer (I didn’t end up finding out the root of the emptiness until a year later but it was a wake up call that sat in the back of my mind like one of those annoying backseat drivers that shout at you everytime you take your eyes off the road).

The spread of the virus mandated a return back to Singapore several days later. A good thing for my physical health but a terrible development for my mental health. Being holed up in a room for days on end with few places to go and being unable to visit others I realised how much of an extrovert I was. The lack of energy and the inability to do anything but read and read and read.

I had to get out, and I had to get out fast. I was excited to return to the UK in September of 2020 since the situation looked good and shops were open. But life again threw a fat curveball and denied me the opportunity to have my life return to “normal”.

A new normal

Returning to London in September, it was clear that we were going to enter into another series of lockdowns. With the future bleak and the restrictions uncertain I decided to set my focus on what I have neglected for the entirety of first year: my education.

I read cases, notes, articles and actually prepared for tutorials and lectures. It was tough, but my flatmates made it bearable and actually somewhat fun. Our little conversations and discussions (maybe more aptly categorised as arguments) made the studying process more enjoyable. The friday night dinners were a bonus too.

This enjoyment and renewed focus brought my grades up to an acceptable level again but still I felt that something was missing.

This is probably a good place to pause before i write part 2 of this.

A GRANDFATHER STORY

My grandfather often tells me stories of the past. Stories like how in those days he used to venture with his father across the malaysian peninsula to look for business opportunities in the wood trading industry and how he used to live in a kampong with chickens, turkeys, a large variety of fruit trees and edible plants.

He was a lorry driver and his job was to ferry the building blocks of Singapore: sand, concrete pillars, materials for worksites and etc. A member of the “pioneer generation”, he is extremely proud of the Singapore he has helped to build. When I drive him around Singapore, he often remembers the past by pointing out buildings and famous landmarks in our advanced urban metropolis commenting: “in the past this was the sea” or “this used to be a pig farm”. Although once a muddy backwater of a country where poverty was rife and vice often spilled onto the streets, the Singapore that he knows has transformed into one of the wealthiest and countries in the world.

One day, whilst he was showing some of his old photos in a photo album. An interesting black and white image of him wearing all white caught my attention. I asked him “where was this?” and a slight pause later, “this was at a PAP rally” he recalls. I thought to myself, how interesting. You see, the grandfather that I have always known was a staunch opposition supporter and whenever I pressed him on why he was so insistent on supporting the opposition he would reply with a simple answer: “to check on the PAP”. So, when I saw that picture of him dressed in all white at a rally of the party which he is opposed to, I quickly asked him why he decided to switch camps. He said, “the PAP back then was different”. He never went into any more detail than that no matter how hard I tried to find out more from him.

My grandfather is a man who once believed in the promises of the party that built Singapore; the same man who then contributed his blood and sweat for the rapid industrialisation and building of the nation; who reaped the rewards in seeing his successful children carve out a career, a business and staking their claim in this island nation. How did this man become disillusioned by the promises of the party that he not only believed in but entrusted with his life? Has the party changed? Can the same party that brought us so far, bring us further into the future?

Hi, I’m I-Zac.

Im starting this blog to document my life during my university days. With the Covid-19 disruption, I’ve found myself having a lot of spare time on my hands, most of which I have devoted to reading. From my reading, I have also had some ideas and thoughts that I thought would be interesting to note down in a stream of consciousness type entry.

It would be interesting to see my ideas develop over time, and this platform should be able to serve that purpose.